“WE hold these Truths to be self-evident”: and the DARKEST day of my life. So far.

You might notice that I’ve not blogged for nearly two months.  The is the first significant gap in nearly a decade. Why? Because I had a very dark day.  This may be my last blog.  But the 4th of July and December 10th will remain the most important days we should all honor.  The shorter post before this long rant will explain why. 

It may only be a coincidence that a day before the 4^th of July (the celebration of our “Declaration of Independence”) that I had trouble sleeping.  But I awoke at 3 am with thoughts about all my ‘darkest’ days.  This was put in my head after listening to a podcast the day before.  Certain days I had pondered for decades but never really put in writing or expressed in a collective context.  Here they are.

My mother, my sister, and I were physically abused by our father.  He was actually a good man.  Ignorant as hell and tortured most of his childhood by harsh conditions and all of his adult life by the worst experience any human can have…the loss of his first son at 2yrs old.  Worse yet, he was largely responsible for the infant drowning.  But due to growing up with my far less traumatic experiences I had committed myself to seeking love, justice, and doing what I could to address the preventable suffering and death of others (including other life forms). 

Believing that knowledge and truth was power - I committed myself to learning as much as I could about people (including myself), the environment (as a child I hoped for a pandemic that could save nature), life (I became a biologist), wrestling (to someday overpower my father or protect some other women or child threatened by an abusive individual), and the universe (God, the meaning of life, and it’s inevitable end on earth when our Sun dies).

Two days ago a young Iraq and Afghanistan war veteran who had grown up in my neighborhood suggested I listen to that podcast.  And, like other things I’ve learned over the decades, it moved me.  It was a story about the dark moments in a human life (war, cancer) that we can benefit from, if we survive. And I started thinking about mine.    

The worst came about a month ago when I realized all that I had done to ‘end world hunger’ was being undone by the pandemic, and everything that I had tried to do - end hunger, promote health and human rights, prevent pandemics and terrorism, and sustain the miracle of life on this troubled planet, was all -- also being undone.  Not by the pandemic.  Not because of Trump.  But simply for the lack of political will and the unwillingness of most humans to seek the truth -- and then to take the initiative and act on it.  Simple truths that are self-event…put persistently ignored.  Truths like;

1.       A child should not die before their parent.

2.       War is not the answer.

3.       Prevention is the best medicine

4.       The value of the Golden Rule

5.       Responsibility is key to preserving everyone’s freedom and our security.

6.       Combining love and power is essential to our survival (thank you MLK!).

7.       The ultimate laws are the “Laws of Nature and Nature’s God” (thank you Thomas Jefferson!)

8.       Democracy is worthless without truth and justice.

9.       Our current government system and structures are dysfunctional and unsustainable.

10.   The Declaration of Independence is our “Apple of Gold” and our Constitution “the Sliver Frame” around it (thank you Abraham Lincoln!)

11.   Together we stand, divided we fall…

 So after 67 laps around the sun what was my darkest moment?

It wasn’t the untimely death of my saintly mother (who taught me so much by her actions and words)

It wasn’t placing only 3^rd in the state wrestling championship after 5 years of total devotion to that goal (because two months later I took first in the state freestyle championship).

It wasn’t losing my national championship in the NCJAA wrestling tournament (I knew I was just lucky to qualify for the national tournament  - and it was the first time I remember my father hugging me.)

It wasn’t my failure to quality for the NCAA national tournament (I was dispirited due to the broken word of a coach – but eventually it has paid for all of my college education).

It wasn’t my first fiancé dumping me after 3 months of engagement (because I’m still married to the woman I found on rebound).

It wasn’t being fired from my last teaching job because I was too involved in ending hunger (because the Hunger Project soon hired me to verify all the information in it’s first book “Ending Hunger: An Idea whose time has come”.  It gave me a wholistic perspective on issues)

It wasn’t being fired as Media Director for RESULTS after just 10 months in Washington DC (Because I was soon elected as one of the first RESULTS Grassroots Board members - and later hired by the RESULTS Board Chair to run the Alliance for Child Survival where I successfully demonstrated my capacity to create political will tweaking the traditional RESULTS format I had always wanted to do)

It wasn’t our failure to end hunger by the year 2000 - or meet all of the promised, affordable and achievable World Summit for Children goals by the turn of the century (because there was the creation of the Millennium Development Goals shortly after which were more comprehensive -- and another chance to significantly address preventable human suffering from poverty, environmental degradation, and human violence).

It was not being fired as Issues and Advocacy Director of the Global Health Council because I prioritized preventing global poverty, malnutrition and infectious diseases above international family planning and reducing global tobacco sales (soon after the International Health Section of the American Public Health Association -120,000 US member 100+ year old organization’s “Action Board” -elected me as their representative among the 13 other APHA sections).

It wasn’t breaking my back (a burst fracture to my L-2 vertebra after falling 32 ft because of a dumb mistake) and losing 100% of my mobility and nerve sensations below my waste (because after a month I started moving my toes--  and after years of rehab regained most of my mobility and control over my bodily functions – and could dance again… and even coach wrestling with only minor difficulty).

It wasn’t being fired after 3 years as Issues Director for the World Federalist Association (originally an Albert Einstein concocted organization) on the very first anniversary of the September 11, 2001 attacks and Anthrax release…having persistently warned it’s leadership about these and other national security threats beyond war or nuclear weapons for years (because my beltway colleagues representing over 100 US based NGOs representing all three major progressive movements – peace, environment, social/economic justice with US memberships totaling over 25 million  - elected me-  without my asking - to Chair the United Nations Association Council of Organizations -where I served two terms).

It wasn’t our collective failure to meet all of the Millennium Development Goals (some progress was made).

It wasn’t learning that my wife of 32 years (we had lived together 7 years before that) really didn’t love me…but basically had settled for me… she was insecure and had more feared the discomfort of being alone (we had two wonderful healthy children who both live relatively happy and productive lives -- and with the arrival of Covid19 I’m finally feeling loved and appreciated by her).

It wasn’t after the election of Trump (because I believed we got the leader we deserved, and I was hopeful it would finally wake most of our nation up regarding our failed and dysfunctional principles, systems and structures).

It wasn’t after learning that both my children had decided NOT to have children and grasped that I would never get to be a grandfather (there are more than enough children in the world and many of them still lack food, medicine, an education, love and attention).

It wasn’t that my daughter (our first child with her birth being the brightest day of my life) decided to ignore me for the last 4 years.  No call or card on Father’s Day or my birthdays, and no conversations at family gatherings (I’ve tried everything to remedy my failings with her to no avail.  I can only hope she will find it in her heart to forgive me for whatever it is I did to earn her persistent rejection.  I accept I will have to live - and probably die with it.)

It wasn’t after the persistent decades of uncontested expert warnings (and my two Congressional testimonies more than a decade earlier that stressed many of those warnings) that were ignored  -- or Covid19 predictably threatening every aspect of our freedom, security and prosperity and undoing everything - and more - that our ‘ending hunger’ and longtime promotion of global health had achieved since 1980 (Because now I’m finally hearing some think tanks and policy makers talking about better preparing for - and maybe even preventing the next pandemic).   

It wasn’t learning that the astronomical cost of meeting the totally comprehensive set of 17 Sustainable Development Goals by the year 2030 (trillions of dollars a year– and not the millions of achieving the Children Summit goals or the billions needed for the MDGs.  I did hit a new low and quit advocating for the SDGs believing there was not enough money for governments to appropriate for meeting them (but then in early 2017 I learned that there was over $32 trillion locked in offshore accounts put there by kleptocrats, oligarchs, criminal cartels, violent extremist groups, and filthy rich capitalists avoiding taxes.  And all that was needed was a Movement of Movements that Naomi Klein called for at the 2014 Climate March in NYC…to sufficiently mobilize action that could lead to funding each of these movement’s priorities at once).

My darkest moment came after trying for three years to convince every leader that I knew and respected from The Hunger Project (some now leading the Pachamama Alliance and the Drawdown events), the RESULTS organization (who never returned my calls), the Citizens Climate Lobby (that wanted to remain narrowly focused), the United Nations Association, the World Federalist/Citizens for Global Solutions, and dozens of other globally minded human rights organizations -- that believed nothing else was needed.   Even after Covid19 clearly exposed our broken systems and structures …yet too failed to bring these movements and organizations together to recognize and accept the fundamental truth that without a Movement of Movements -- finding a new source of funding to meet all the SDGs all together – (in the context of national security and protecting our freedoms and prosperity)…won’t work….and they continued to wage the ‘zero sum’ game that got us where we are today.   Knowing that they will ultimately fail trying to fix the root cause of interdependent problems using Independent organizations - each working on their cherished priority and competing with every other essential movement, issue, and organization - instead of working together to change the systems and structures that are persistently failing to codify and enforce the “Laws of Nature and Nature’s God [think Golden Rule].  Instead they rely on making up their own independent laws that rig the economic system between elections….

Sam Harris, the founder of RESULTS, did the most to take this reality and truth seriously…but his persistence in suggesting that I lead such an effort was a no go.  I had tried and failed.  Those in power had repeatedly ignored my pleas.  They persist to this day in seek ways of doing what they have always done  -- better, more, or faster – but not in concert or common cause.

My energy and spirit for the bigger picture is now gone.  And it all now may just be too late.  With the continued growth in all the unsustainable and worsening trends – with only protests and occasional violence in response… I accept that I no longer make any difference on any obviously urgent national or global level.

I’ve resigned myself to accept our species will need far more pain and suffering – both here and abroad before we really grasp the fact that everything is interdependent -- and requires a comprehensive effort to address fundamental principles of ‘liberty and justice for all’ and ‘life, liberty and the sustainable pursuit of happiness’ globally, just as our Declaration of Independence offered.  That budgets are moral documents.  And that we lack the political will to put our values into enforceable and just laws.

I’m now resigned to the reality that we as a species will continue to ignore the wisdom of Jesus, Mohammad, Gandhi, Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Paine, MLK…and appear to be content with defending our existing beliefs till death do we part. 

My priority is now my garden, the health and sustainability of my city and county park lands, and my own health, fitness and loving relationships – things I’ve often neglected over the past 40 years.

I feel blessed to have had the life I’ve had.  Now every meal I eat, and each day I can continue to work physically to improve things around me I will thrive.

I would offer ‘good luck’ but I know luck won’t be not enough.  Harder times are ahead.

Not enough people really care for self-evident truths?  Or even believe they exist.

This 4^th of July, I urge you to read at least the first two paragraphs of the Declaration of Independence.  And then remember the pledge you made before our flag…of “liberty and Justice for all”.  Then go and try to enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Just know, even with the best election year ever for progressive…things are going to get a lot worse…before they get better…if they ever do.   And please read these words of wisdom…

“In the final analysis, unless Americans -- as citizens of an increasingly interdependent world -- place far higher priority on overcoming world hunger, its effects will no longer remain remote or unfamiliar.  Nor can we wait until we reach the brink of the precipice; the major actions required do not lend themselves to crisis planning, patchwork management, or emergency financing... The hour is late.  Age-old forces of poverty, disease, inequity, and hunger continue to challenge the world.  Our humanity demands that we act upon these challenges now...”    Presidential Commission on World Hunger, 1980.